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  • Would You?

     

    melanism,after reading your many responses, it doesn't sound...

    Nah, I really didn't post it as a dilemma...more so to just spark discussion and see how others felt. I wrestled with it before I posted and I've been thinking about it for a while, so I'm pretty much clear on where I stand...

    I really don't compare it to SLS or petrolatum because they don't have the history that relaxers do and they aren't as caustic. If she or anyone for that matter wanted me to wash their hair with a shampoo that has SLS or use petrolatum on their scalp, I would because I am not opposed to using them on myself. I do try to avoid them in excess, but I'm not opposed to them totally.

    My point is that I am not really going to do anything to someone else, that I don't feel is right on me either. It's really not about the other person. It's about ME and what my actions are saying versus what my beliefs are and do they match?

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    I would. Everybody can't be where you are when you want them to be. However, that doesn't mean I wouldn't explain to them why I don't really want to harm their beautiful hair with chemicals.

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    Even though I don't agree with her, I love...

    I respect your opinion, but Ialso have a question...do you feel that saying no would be some sort of disloyalty and would hinder your relationship with her?

    I really wouldn't see saying no to my mom as "letting hair come between us"...If she was a smoker and I didn't agree with smoking and refused to be around her or buy her cigarettes, THEN I could see that as something that is hindering us.

    I'm just wondering could hair really cause that much of a problem?

    (these are really general comments so anyone can answer

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    Quote:
    Originally posted by Melanizm+-->
    QUOTE (Melanizm)
    I just didn't want anyone to get the idea that this post is about conversion...because it's not. I firmly believe hair choices - or any choices in life - are up to the individual and I don't condemn or judge anyone for deciding to do what they want with their hair. This post is just about our actions matching up with our words/beliefs.

    <!--QuoteBegin-Melanizm
    My point is that I am not really going to do anything to someone else, that I don't feel is right on me either. It's really not about the other person. It's about ME and what my actions are saying versus what my beliefs are and do they match?

    -just for reiteration because I know everyone doesn't read every response before they reply...

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    i'm gunna reply and then go back and read all the other posts...

    As some of you know I do hair on the side. Not always from my home cuz sometimes i'll go to family member's homes to do their hair.

    anywho, i do relaxed hair as well. I was doing that long before natural hair so I still know how and i need the money. lol. but anyone (relaxed or natural) knows how i feel about relaxers. as soon as they complain about issues with hair i mention that the chemicals they use may be the culprit. if they express to me they are not interested in naturality, i advise themt he best way i know how regarding taking care of relaxed hair.

    and i ALWAYS offer my services, help and advice if they decide they want to go natural.

    My regular clients are friends and family so I'm not gunna just leave 'em hanging cuz they relax their hair. they respect my decision to not relax my hair and i respect their decision to relax. for a while i did feel conflicted and didn't want to apply relaxers to my lil' cousins' hair. but for that period of time i stopped taking care of their hair, i noticed it was getting damaged and i decided if their mom felt they MUST relax, i may as well do it cuz their hair grows so much better when i'm taking care of their hair.

    But they are the only folks who i'll actually apply the relaxer. No one else. anyone else will have to get the relaxer applied before hand and THEN i'll style their hair. Most of my clients come to me for braid extensions or sew-ins anyways so for me it's really not an issue.

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    No, I wouldn't apply a relaxer to anyone. Just like was previously posted, I wouldn't do something to someone else's head that I won't do to my own.

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    I can relate to where you are coming from. My sister does hair and when she's extremely busy I jump in and help out. And yes that means putting a perm/relaxer in other hair. I've even done it to family who know how I feel about the whole thing. Yes, while I'm putting that crap in there hair i voice what I think about it but that's a price they would have to pay if they want me to do it form them. I never try to change what they think but to only inform them. There's nothing wrong with helping them out.

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    I've been asked by my sister and my best friend to perm their hair since going natural. I've done it for them. I'm anti-relaxer for my own hair because I had so many problems with them over the years. I no longer believe that anyone needs a relaxer, but it's their hair so that makes it their choice. I do try to talk to them about how much healthier it is for their hair to give up the relaxer and go natural. If you're willing to take the risk of damage, then it's your damaged hair you gotta deal with.

    I don't feel like I'm compromising my own personal anti-relaxer beliefs by helping someone else perm their hair. If their hair isn't obviously damaged beyond repair (I've seen lots of healthy-looking relaxed hair), then I don't generally take an issue with it. Ultimately, that's their decision.

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    This was a very interesting thread. At first I thought, what is the big deal? I know that I'm not going to convert every relaxed hair person I come in contact with besides if they don't get it done by me then they will get it done somewhere else. But then I started thinking about how much I can't stand being around people who smoke and how I wouldn't condone that habit so that led me to think I shouldn't. But then after thinking it through I guess the whole issue has to do with how unhealthy a perm makes a person's hair. I know a lot of people with permed hair which it looks nice on and their hair is still healthy so by perming their hair I wouldn't be doing anymore damage than it was used to. However, if it's someone whose hair is clearly thinning and damaged from relaxers than I wouldn't touch their hair. I am not licensed so the last thing I would want is someone tripping about me damaging their hair when they've been doing that to themselves for years. So my response would depend on the condition of the person's hair, although now that I am natural I never hesistate to talk about its benefits.

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    I wouldn't (knowingly) do to anyone what I wouldn't want done to me. Since the reason I don't perm anymore is because it's unhealthy for my hair, scalp, etc., I wouldn't perm anyone else's hair.

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    No

    I dont apply toxic chemicals to my own hair, I would not do so to another person's hair.

    I will however, wash, condition and apply homemade creams and moisturizers to help with her damaged hair...if applicable.

    I will recommend the proper foods and vitamins to assist with growing healthy hair.

    I will provide books, brochures and websites to further the knowlege of how healthy hair grows in its natural state.

    But I personally, would not apply a perm to anyone's hair.

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    In the process of doing her hair, I would...

    Hmmm. That's something to think about. But I still wouldn't do it. I don't think you could pay me to straighten someones hair again.

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    <<I guess I could take it even further and ask the natural hairstylists who do both natural and relaxed hair how they feel about that?>>
    $$ <<nuff said. [i'm speaking for others here, not me]

    <<My question to you and people who feel like you is: Just because you respect her decision, does that mean you have to be apart of it?>>
    of couse I don't have to be a part of it. but I don't have boycott them either.

    <<What would I be saying about MYSELF if I chose to put a relaxer in her hair?>>
    that you know the "truth about relaxers," aren't putting them in your head. but know that everyone doesn't go with and won't go with this.

    //I feel that if I did that, I'd be saying that relaxing is OKAY...and I don't feel that way. //
    question: do you feel that relaxing isn't okay for YOU? or relaxing isn't okay, period?

    //if I don't agree with drinking alcohol, why would I buy someone a beer?//
    because you aren't the one drinking it?

    like someone else said, i'm not anti-relaxer. i'm anti-relaxer-on-1ntellect's-head.
    example 1: if i didn't agree with sex before marriage, i'd still give my unmarried friend a condom if she was in the situation w/o one. :-? ok that was a terrible example, but i liked it.
    example 2. [just because i like them ] just because a person is pro-choice, doesn't mean they're pro-abortion.

    i guess i'm just one of those "i could care less what you do because it doesnt' affect me" type people.

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    I couldn't do it. I don't advocate the use of relaxers so I wouldn't help do something to someone that I don't advocate.

    ETA: Read all the posts. Mel, I think you are right. I don't see it as a pro-choice issue at all. I like your analogy of alcohol. I don't advocate cigarette smoking and I would refuse to buy cigarettes for anyone, mother or whoever. I'm sure your mother will respect your decision because you are her daughter and the love you two have I'm sure goes deeper than a relaxer. Good luck with whatever you ultimately decide to do!

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    (if this is posted in the wrong area, sorry)Hey...

    This always works,

    ME: "I have been natural for about 4 years and can't remember how to apply a perm."

    Fam/Friends: "All you do is start from the new growth"

    ME: "Whats new growth?"

    See people with perms treasure that stuff and they don't want you to mess that hair up. With that last dumb comment I made... that gets them everytime.

    Putting all jokes aside, I really don't know how to perm a head.

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    It's funny how none of my family has asked me to put relaxer's in their heads since I've been natural. I used to relax my mom and my sister's hair. I couldn't bring myself to do it now, because of the damage that relaxer's do. I don't even want to smell the stuff.

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    I understand where a lot of ladies are coming from but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Not because I have anything against relaxed hair but because I know that relaxers are poisonous. I know that they leave a green film under your scalp and because I know that they get the most complaints to the FDA. I won't do it because I know they are bad for your health. Just because I have a friend who smokes weed, and I am not going to judge her does not mean I am going to roll it up for her and hand her a lighter. I don't matter how healthy their hair looks I know that it only takes one time with a relaxer and your hair is ruined. I also won't do it because I know with each relaxer brings you closer to baldness. It has noting to do with them. It has to do with me and the fact that I know it is harmful to their bodies. It someone wanted me to flatiron their hair and is going to pay for it then it would be all good.

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    double post

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    I understand where a lot of ladies are coming from but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Not because I have anything against relaxed hair but because I know that relaxers are poisonous. I know that they leave a green film under your scalp and because I know that they get the most complaints to the FDA. I won't do it because I know they are bad for your health. Just because I have a friend who smokes weed, and I am not going to judge her does not mean I am going to roll it up for her and hand her a lighter. I don't matter how healthy their hair looks I know that it only takes one time with a relaxer and your hair is ruined. I also won't do it because I know with each relaxer brings you closer to baldness. It has noting to do with them. It has to do with me and the fact that I know it is harmful to their bodies. It someone wanted me to flatiron their hair and is going to pay for it then it would be all good.

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    I understand where a lot of ladies are coming from but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Not because I have anything against relaxed hair but because I know that relaxers are poisonous. I know that they leave a green film under your scalp and because I know that they get the most complaints to the FDA. I won't do it because I know they are bad for your health. Just because I have a friend who smokes weed, and I am not going to judge her does not mean I am going to roll it up for her and hand her a lighter. I don't matter how healthy their hair looks I know that it only takes one time with a relaxer and your hair is ruined. I also won't do it because I know with each relaxer brings you closer to baldness. It has noting to do with them. It has to do with me and the fact that I know it is harmful to their bodies. It someone wanted me to flatiron their hair and is going to pay for it then it would be all good.

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    yes i would do it. i know it's not going on my head so why worry about it. not to sound as if i condone it being ok, just not on me. I made the decision to go natural, not them. alot of us wasn't always natural you know. i may express how i feel about it but that doesn't mean they are going to instantly make the decision to go natural. they aren't at the point where they want to be natural yet. so if they want to continue to relax then let 'em. we're always talking about how we wish others would respect our decision to go natural and shun at us, and then downcourage them because they still addicted to the creamy crack. what? i mean the stuff does exist and people still use it. not everybody is going to be natural. yes it is damaging to the hair, but they haven't been convinced of that yet. they're the ones who will have to live with it, not i, said carebear. the only way i see not helping to relax someone's hair and i'm natural is if that person happens to be a fellow natural who has grown weak and wants to relax again. ya know. then i would have to let 'em know.
    but ok, how would you feel if your mom or friend refrained from helping you to achieve any natural hairstyles because they weren't at all feeling your natural hair decision? it's all good to me though. by the way mel, your hair and your album is beautiful. keep it up!
    God Bless! take care now.

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    I wouldn't be able to do it. My mother and almost come to blows everytime she tries to make me get a perm.*right now,I'm just transitioning and I have been for about two months. * I wouldn't know how to deal with the situation. All I would be able to say is why it's so horrible to have one of those things. I'd take her to this site and have her look at the information herself. Maybe then she'd see the sense in cutting it.
    Let's hope it doesn't have to come to that.
    Always yours,
    Molly
    :-)

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    Though I have never been one to apply my own relaxers, I have never done them for anyone else. However, if I did know how, I would do it.

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    Since being natural, I've relaxed my mom's hair and...

    I agree with this statement. If someone asked me to do it-they might get a mouth full, but I would do it.

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    Since being natural, I've relaxed my mom's hair and...

    I agree with this statement. If someone asked me to do it-they might get a mouth full, but I would do it.
    But if you really respected their decision, why would you even say anything? That's so passive-aggressive. "I'll treat your hair with chemicals, but I'm going to chew you out about it." Why bother doing it at all then? Giving them a "mouthful" signifies that you do have a problem with relaxing their hair. Either do it and be silent or don't do it at all.

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    I was just thinking about this issue the other day. I use to relax my hair, my mothers and my friends. Thank God my mother is no longer using the relaxer but I still have a few friends who do and they would often come to me in the past. I have no idea what I would say to them if they asked me because I would feel just as bad putting a perm in their head as I would in my own. You know how it would go. Someone would come up to me saying "Girl my hair is nappy, I need a perm!" and I just could not support that. But I have no idea how to say that to a permie without coming off the wrong way.

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    I want to say no to my mom and have her go natural like me, ,but i think i will relax because she doesn't have enough hair for me to 1)attach extensions too with out hurting her because i would have to pull really really tight 2) her hair is VERY uneven. It touches a bit past her neck on the back(5 or 6 inches) but is like 1 or 1.5 inches at the top and in the front so thats an odd looking hairstyle for her. I dunno what else i can do besides perming it just yet.i reeeeeally was trying to NOT do so but my efforts were going nowhere w/her hair cause it would break off. What i AM thinking of doing, because she wears a wig and the way she puts pins in her hair it tears up her hair, im going to perm for a while and then when she has enough growth i'll stop and have her go natural. Thats what im thinking to do to save her hair cause its growing but it keeps getting broken off by her pinning it and since i dont know another way to pin in wigs w/o damage i cant help her. She'll put on a pony piece and i can do her hair better from there. Crazy as that may sound but it will work.

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    Quote: Sep 13 2004, 02:33 AM Since being natural, I've...

    But if you really respected their decision, why would you even say anything? That's so passive-aggressive. "I'll treat your hair with chemicals, but I'm going to chew you out about it." Why bother doing it at all then? Giving them a "mouthful" signifies that you do have a problem with relaxing their hair. Either do it and be silent or don't do it at all.
    I had a good reponse for you---however the computer went down. But I did say that I understood your point to a certain extent. But then again you are assuming what my "mouthful" would consist of. Its not good to assume.. I also said they "might" get a mouthful the other half is that they "might not".
    Why would I even consider opening my mouth in the first place? Why not?

    Please note that my exact actions well depend on the situation.

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    I want to say no to my mom and...

    I'm sorry, but I just have to say the reasoning makes no sense to me. You are going to perm her hair even though it's damaged and needs some nurturing. You really think perming her hair is her only option? I thought that this is the thinking that we are trying eradicate on this site. You want to put a perm in it and let it grow so she can go natural. :-? Why not cut your moms hair to a twa? You know that is an option and the healthiest choice.

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    i think i can't because i pray for them change their mind.. if my friend is addict to drug or alcohol i won't give him the product..for me it's the same for relaxer..

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