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  • Really Bad Advice/examples On Dating And Marriage.

     

    I was thinking about my past dating patterns and how many of my relationships ended. I am happily married now but it is interesting how patterns in your life handed down from your family often repeat themselves. I still remember my mother saying, like many mothers out there tell their daughters that boys and men are after one thing from a girla nd one thing only-sex. I know this was done to discourage us from being promiscuous but that actually messed me up in some ways in that I never fully trusted men until I was years into my marriage. I always thought that after some years when my husband was tired of me and the sex he will move on to another woman. It does not help that many in my family atre divorced and even my grandmother was married 5 times in her lifetime! Yes 5! One husband died but the others were divorced. Today only 4 marriages past 5 years remain intact in the whole family, including mine, and this disturbes me sometimes. What was the really bad advice you got from your parents that affected you for years or still does today?

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    Ooooh I could type ten pages...but here's a few...

    "Men don't hit you unless they love you."
    "Men are only after one thing."
    "Sex is a man's RIGHT, so you better be ready for him anytime."
    "Men just aren't strong like women"(to explain why in my family women did EVERYTHING, pay the bills, raise the children, cook, clean, tap-dance)
    "You have to have a man, at any cost."

    The most damaging one that me and my sister got growing up was, "You have to work hard and take whatever kind of man comes your way...because why would a good man want you?"

    _headshake: I'm just grateful that life has allowed me opportunities for healing...

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    The most damaging one that me and my sister got...

    Wow. They actually said that? Wow.

    My mom was all about not letting guys into your pants and getting the one thing that they wanted. But I don't think she was wrong, per se.

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    "Men don't hit you unless they love you.""Sex is a...

    WOW! What a list. The above rings true that I have heard. Unbelieveable as they seem today such nonsense is told to girls. Especially the isht about Men being men and just take whatever they do because they will go to someone else

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    That you aren't complete unless you get married.

    Marriage should be one of the utmost priorities in your life.

    No one is going to want to marry you unless you look a certain way and do certain things.

    Sometimes you have to overlook your husband's behavior and accept it because that's 'just how he is' (and I am speaking of behavior/actions that are inexcusable in my book).

    Sexual desires and urges before you get married are wrong.

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    This is advice I received from friends and family (through words and actions):

    1. Wait on God. It's not ladylike to pursue men.
    2. Men are no good. All men lie just for the hell of it.
    3. If you're picky you'll end up alone. The funny thing about this one is things got better after I got picky!
    4. Date him indefinitely and wait for him to propose.
    5. Something's wrong with you if you attract busters.
    6. Only date men who you know through a friend or family.
    7. Career comes first. You can always find a man.

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    ouch! ..wow that is some deep stuff...
    The communication...the arguments..they were married/together for more than 25 years though...but I wish i could have seen better communication skills *sigh* inch:

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    Quote:
    6. Only date men who you know through a friend or family.

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    ...

    ^
    I kinda agree with this one.

    "You need a man in your life."

    This isnt an actual quote but by looking at how the marriages are for some in my family, it seems that you have to put up with some things. (i.e cheating, verbal abuse, etc.) Hey, its better than being single, right? <_<

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    When I moved to ATL my aunt told me that there are alot of beautiful women here (i agree) and women outnumber men (also agree) and that my since I dont have anything to hold my boyfriend (ie marriage kids) that

    "A man is going to be a man"

    I'm like if he is going to cheat he will and if hes not hes not. Marriage or kids dont matter. Neither does the place. I just trust him.

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    My mom told me that you can't depend on a man for anything so you should just do it (anything) yourself. My husband cured me of that one during the first year.

    Also when a former boyfriend got a little too physical during an argument and I told me mother that I wanted to leave him. She asked me if I cooked him dinner every night like I should. When I said no, she said try that and he might not hit you. As much as I still love him, I had to get out of there quick because I was surrounded by insanity.

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    Worst advice I got from my Aunt:
    "When a man cheats on you, just remember, he married You!"
    This is coming from a woman who was married to man who as far as i can remember was never sober at all. That statement came up when she was bashing my mother for divorcing her ex husband for constantly cheating (that wasn't my dad but my older siblings father). Somehow having the status of the wife dampens the fact he is cheating with other women according to her logic. I could tell you more off the wall stuff my aunt has said but that would be a long list and an unrelated topic. :P

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    "When a man cheats on you, just remember, he married...

    I heard Snoop's wife saying the same thing about groupies. That he may sleep with them but he is coming home to her Yeah..along with all the diseases he got <_<

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    That reminds me of another one...I remember once I said I instantly break up with a cheating man...and my female relative's response was "what?? and let the other woman have him?"

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    Quote:
    That you aren't complete unless you get married.
    that being single automatically = being sad and lonely.

    if a man wants children, you must give him some regardless if you're ready to be a mother or not.

    i love my mother to pieces and i know she means well, but i just can't see myself taking love and marriage advice from a woman who spent the last 20+ years of her life sacrificing for a man (my father) who barely gives her any attention. she's put up with his crap, had three of his children, cooks and cleans for him, yet he refuses to marry her. but at least she's not single.

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    "It's not in a man's nature to remain faithful and committed to only one woman, as long as he takes care of home, that's all that matters"

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    The primary message I got from my parents was that marriage was to be avoided. This from two people who are heading into their 43rd year of marriage with no thought of divorce in sight as far as I can tell. I think that if they had had their druthers they would have stayed single a lot longer than they did (they got married relatively young).

    I also got that message which is common to a lot of black women of my and later generations: Don't count on a man to take care of you; you need to be independent. Which in many, if not most, ways is good...but at some point it can be hobbling because what if you WANT to be in a relationship? what if you WANT to be able to lean on someone?

    There were points in my life when I felt my parents were displeased BECAUSE I was in a relationship...that they would have preferred I stay alone. The few times I've mentioned wanting to get back into a relationship, it's like I'm speaking Spanish.

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    Though this has never been said to me, I always hate when I hear ppl say

    "If you haven't gotten married yet/found a husband, then God must still be working on you/preparing you for him."

    It seems to imply that there is something wrong with the woman, which is why she remains unmarried. Plus I think it does little to soothe a woman who genuinely wants to/feels ready to be married.

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    The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. An older woman said this to me not to long ago. I wanted to ask her what was her problem then b/c she can throw down and she doesn't have a man.

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    My mother told me that a man has to have at least 2 women or he is not satisfied.

    That I would have to learn how to cook soulfood (stuff like oxtails, chittlins, neckbones) in order to get a husband. It didn't matter that I was a vegetarian.

    Men are evil and no good.

    Make sure you have your own bank account and keep it a secret from your husband.

    Men are jealous of their kids and want all of the attention.

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    I didn't recieve dating advice from my mom. The only thing she ever SHOWED me was that you can only depend on yourself. Never let yourself become dependant on a man because the second you do he'll disappoint you. Needless to say that has left me with some serious trust issues when it comes to men...

    I've got one a friend of mine's grandmother told him...
    "Never marry anyone darker than you because if you'll do the two of you will have some ugly tar babies." <_<
    Never mind you that he is as chocolate as they come.

    And stubborn... After that comment he went out and married the darkest woman he could find in the south.... needless to say granny could not stand her and WAS NOT HAPPY.

    I think my MIL has problems with me for the same reasons... But who cares???

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    if i was to marry someone of the same origin as me then i'd have to be able to cook the food to please him. bearing in mind, i do not eat this food anyway so it wouldn't be hard for me to believe he may not want it either...especially as my male cousins have married outside of our country of origin. so no one is cooking them any of this food. oh but if the mans white then my so-called white/english food will fly.

    that i'm supposed to "serve" my husband. bascially pretty much be a 50s housewife - cook and clean on my own. these are apparently my "duties". even though my mum has been a single parent for most of the time, she often appears quite sexist...or at least archaic in her views (as a girl, i'm supposed to know how to sweep...<_<). i do not like to feel pressured or forced to do anything. if i did these things on my own it would be because i wanted to do them not because i felt i had to in order to play my role. i would like to think my most-likely non-existant future husband would be contributing equally to household duties, especially if were both working. i'm not about to be anybodies maid. and with my own mum cooking and cleaning and getting nish from the men she did it for, her adivce is mighty weak.

    i'm supposed to marry young. i actually had my mums bf tell me 19 was not young and that i should be married within 5 years. my mother shared this view. allegedlly, i should have found my man in the next 1-2 years and then have got married as soon as basically. in 5 years i will be 24, i'm no way looking to get married at that age. no way in hell. it does not factor in my plans (i actually have some goals i want to achieve at certain times so my life is "planned" to an extent...) not to mention, i'd want to be in a relationship and co-habit with someone for about 3-5 years before we decide to even get married, not rush into it when we feel the time is "right". and considering my mother has two failed marriages, she should know why the hell i'm not so damn hasty to go and get hitched.

    from growing up i've seen that it's better to depend on yourself, dont take any bullsh!t, leave the guy when he starts bs'ing, DO NOT lend him any money and pick your family well...that is, make sure the father is totally trustworthy, reliable, solid career, making good money and has brains. my mother seemed to ignore most of the above and i'm learning from her mistakes already.

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    Wow this is a little painful but here goes....

    NEVA EVA EVA trust a man

    it took me many many years to trust my DH when he was only trying to love me the best way he knew how

    NEVA EVA EVA let your DH/live in know how much $$$ you have, make sure you have some hidden

    this goes along with the trust thing, why would I want to be with a man I couldn't be open and hones with?

    ALWAYS keep a spare

    again this is a trust issue that took me years to come to terms with

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    oh i could write a book, like a pp said. Some of the jewels they have said are
    "Only women that are desparate get married."
    "The only reason to get married is if you're pregnant."
    "Men aren't good for anything."
    "Never trust a man when he tells you he loves you."
    "The only reason a man would stay around/with you is if you're giving him that 'good stuff'."

    Suffice it to say, my mother is divorced,both of my aunts, her sisters, never married are in their late 40s, and all my uncles were/are womanizers (3 of them are married now).

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    Wow...My mom never gave me any advice about men. She always encouraged me to be happy & not to settle. She basically lead by example. My parents have been married over 32 yrs. Every once in a while my granny and my aunts wouldl tell me that I had to fix a boyfriend's plate when he came by.

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    ...

    Same with my mum

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    I never got dating advice, I was just forbidden to date period.

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    I was not told any of this, but this is what I was shown from some of the members of my family.

    No matter what you accomplish in life you are NOTHING if you never marry, if you are not married by 25 you might as well just kill yourself.
    Infidelity is okay as long as the man pays the bills.
    A man will be a man ( which means he can whore around all he wants) but a woman should remain chaste or she is a whore.
    Sometimes its okay to date married men, as long as he is paying the bills of course.

    This is the one that I have been TOLD a female members of my family when i became vegan.

    If you get with a non vegetarian man, you better cook him some meat because he is definitely going to have someone on the side who will.

    As much as I love the male members of my family, they have really given me serious trust issues when it comes to men. It took me a long time to get over that. At one time, I was insecure in all of my relationships. I thank God that I had a few people in my family and outside of my family to give me an example of what a healthy relationship is.

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    "If you haven't gotten married yet/found a husband, then God...

    girl, you are SO right! you hear this alot in the church. even though me and my friends are in our 20s and we long to be married, that sayin makes us feel like crap.

    reading this has motivated me to no longer think that way..

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    All men cheat.

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