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    CATHOLIC PARROTS:
    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

    "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

    "They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

    "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

    "You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

    Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job.

    My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

    "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

    The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's! house. As he ushered her in , she saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

    Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

    After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

    There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

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    How To Respond To Pickup Lines

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Havenàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢t we met before?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Yes, Iàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Havenàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢t I seen you someplace before?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Yeah, thatàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢s why I donàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢t go there anymore.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Is this seat empty?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…So, wanna go back to my place?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Well, I donàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢t know. Will two people fit under a rock?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Your place or mine?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Both. You go to yours and Iàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢ll go to mine.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Iàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢d like to call you. Whatàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢s your number?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Itàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢s in the phone book.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…But I donàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢t know your name.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Thatàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢s in the phone book too.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…So what do you do for a living?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Iàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢m a female impersonator.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…What sign were you born under?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…No Parking.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Hey, baby, Whatàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢s your sign?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Stop.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…How do you like your eggs in the morning?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Unfertilized!àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Iàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…You mean youàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…I know how to please a woman.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Then please leave me alone.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…I want to give myself to you.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Sorry, I donàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢t accept cheap gifts.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…I can tell that you want me.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Ohhhh. Youàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢re so right. I want you... to leave.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…If I could see you naked, Iàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢d die happy.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Yeah, but if I saw you naked, Iàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢d probably die laughing.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Hey cutie, how àƒ¢â‚¬â„¢bout you and I hitting the hot spots?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Sorry, I donàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢t date outside my species.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…May I see you pretty soon?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Why? Donàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢t you think Iàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢m pretty now?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Your body is like a temple.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Sorry, there are no services today.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Iàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢d go through anything for you.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Good! Letàƒ¢â‚¬â„¢s start with your bank account.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

    àƒ¢â‚¬à…I would go to the end of the world for you.àƒ¢â‚¬à‚
    àƒ¢â‚¬à…Yes, but would you stay there?àƒ¢â‚¬à‚

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    When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
    father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one
    evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
    woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

    "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her
    "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
    million dollars."

    Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
    later, she became his stepmother.

    Women are so much smarter than men. When will they ever learn?

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    A guy goes to a supermarket and a beautiful blonde waves at him and says hello.

    He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?"

    To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

    She said "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

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    Okay, I couldn't resist...had to bring it back with the "Yo Mama" Jokes...

    Yo mama hair so short when she braided it it looked like stiches.

    Yo mama hair so short she curls it with rice.

    Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.
    Yo mama so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.

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    The following actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during services:

    - Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Lutheran Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    - The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

    - The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."

    - Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

    - Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

    - Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

    - Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

    - Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    - For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    - Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

    - Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Wood's sermons.

    - The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

    - Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

    - A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

    - At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    - The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

    - Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

    - The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

    - This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

    - Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

    - The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

    - The Associate Pastor unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

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    > > ----- A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'lo-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

    The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I
    want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I Want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will Bring about world peace and harmony."

    The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of the shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I am good, but not that good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable".

    The Woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said "Let me see that f**king map again."

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    Yo mama's like 7up - never had it never will (You're adopted)
    Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
    Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.
    Yo mama's like a bowling ball, You can fit three fingers in.
    Yo mama's like a bus; guys climb on and off her all day long.
    Yo mama's like a Christmas tree; everybody hangs balls on her.
    Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
    Yo mama's like a gas station - You gotta pay before You pump
    Yo mama's like a goalie; she changes her pads after three periods.
    Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.
    Yo mama's like a postage stamp, You lick her, stick her, then send her
    away.
    Yo mama's like a race car driver...she burns a lot of rubbers.
    Yo mama's like a railroad track; she gets laid all over the country.
    Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up
    Yo mama's like a shotgun, one **** and she blows
    Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a feeling!"
    Yo mama's like a TV, even a 2 year old could turn her on
    Yo mama's like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck.
    Yo mama's like an ice cream cone... everYone gets a lick.
    Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
    Yo mama's like Crazy Eddie; she's practically giving it all away.
    Yo mama's like Denny's...open 24 hours.
    Yo mama's like Marky Mark - Good Vibrations
    Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.
    Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.
    Yo mama's like the pillsbury dough boy - everybody pokes her

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    so this man calls in to work one morning to speak with his boss. he tells him that he feels ill and won't be able to make it in today.

    so the boss asks what is wrong with him.

    the man replies, "i have anal glycoma".

    so the boss is like anal glycoma?? i've never heard of that before.

    so the man is like, yeah, i just can't see my a$$ coming to work today...

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    1.Yo mama is so fat, when your dad wants to screw her, he slaps her thigh and rides the wave in...Then he rolled over 2x and was still holding her!

    2.What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?

    Two five year olds.

    3. Yo mama is so fat, her blood type is Nestle.

    4.Yo mama is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck. (old but one of my faves!)

    5.Your mommas body is a temple...Open to everyone rain or shine.

    6.Yo mama's glasses are so thick, she can look at a map and see people waving.

    7. Yo mama is so fat she hula hoops with the rings of saturn...

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    The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace...

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    i AM LOVING THIS THREAD

    sharing these with my work mate - we are all cracking up

    ok - found something to add :P

    40 THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

    1. "I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t."
    2. "I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce."
    3. "How about never? Is never good for you?"
    4. "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."
    5. "I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way."
    6. "I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter."
    7. "I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message."
    8. "I don't work here. I'm a consultant."
    9. "It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying."
    10. "Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again."
    11. "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid."
    12. "You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers."
    13. "I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn."
    14. "I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth."
    15. "I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
    16. "Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."
    17. "The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist."
    18. "Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental."
    19. "What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"
    20. "I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant."
    21. "It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off."
    22. "Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial."
    23. "And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?"
    24. "Do I look like a people person?"
    25. "This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting."
    26. "I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left."
    27. "Sarcasm is just one more service we offer."
    28. "If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
    29. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed."
    30. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."
    31. "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."
    32. "A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."
    33. "Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?"
    34. "Too many freaks, not enough circuses."
    35. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?"
    36. "Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done."
    37. "How do I set a laser printer to stun?"
    38. "I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary."
    39. "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"
    40. "Oh I get it... like humour... but different!"

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    Dubya Quotes

    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
    ...George W. Bush
    "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
    ...Governor George W. Bush

    "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
    ...Governor George W. Bush

    "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

    "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

    "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

    "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

    "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

    "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
    ...Governor George W. Bush

    "The future will be better tomorrow."
    ...Governor George W. Bush

    "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
    ...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

    "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
    ...Governor George W. Bush

    "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
    ...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

    "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
    ...Governor George W. Bush

    "Public speaking is very easy."
    ...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

    "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
    ...Governor George W. Bush

    "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
    ...Governor George W. Bush

    "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
    ...George W. Bush

    "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
    ...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

    "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
    ...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

    "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

    "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
    ...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

    "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
    ...Governor George W. Bush

    "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
    ...Governor George W. Bush

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
    ...Governor George W. Bush

    " time for the human race to enter the solar system."
    ...Governor George W. Bush

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    sharing these with my work mate - we are all...

    ointlaugh:

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    1.Why is it so hard to find a man that is caring, sensitive, and good looking?

    They already have boyfriends.

    2.How is Colonel Sanders like the typical man?

    He's obsessed with legs, breasts, and thighs.

    3.Men are like chocolate...smooth, sweet, and head straight for your hips.
    4.Men are good for one thing, and how often do you need to parallel park?

    Do these jokes make me sound bitter? lol

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    àƒ¢â‚¬à…You must work in information technologyàƒ¢â‚¬à‚ says the balloonist. àƒ¢â‚¬à…I...

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    This one's kinda dirty but it had me ...

    A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
    The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir,gently place the grapes in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

    He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

    The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor.

    The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

    The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

    "Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

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    BLONDE GOING TO HOUSTON

    THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
    SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

    THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

    THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

    THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

    HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY."

    SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

    I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON.

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    What does a gay cow eat?

    Haaaaay! <snap!>

    A blonde has windows installed. Six months later, the installer calls her to ask how she likes her windows. She tells him that they are wonderful. So, he asks, "Why haven't you paid for them yet?" She responds, "When you sold them to me, you told me that in six months, they'd pay for themselves!"

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    Haaaaay! A blonde has windows installed. Six months later, the...

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    del

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