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  • Feeling Discouraged

     

    so I'm only 17.i did the big chop saturday and i tried hiding from my mom because i know she would disapprove.she found out this morning.she asked me if i was gay and said i look like a dike.ican't believe my mother.

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    I can't believe it either!!

    Does she think that because your hair is short? or because your hair is natural?

    I can't believe that in 2007 a black mother cannot accept her daugther wearing her natural hair, i really can't believe that!!

    I can't tell you what to do, i guess you live in her home so you don't want arguments with her all the time.. i think the nappies out thre will give you good advice.

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    I remember my parents asked why I was going natural(at 36!!). I told them I wanted to embrace whom I was created to be in HIM through THEM. That stopped it. If they rejected my look then the had to look at themselves, and realize their own self hate. It's been silent ever since. I'm still waiting(4yrs later) for input, but I dont need it now because I love whom I was made to be and I've learned to walk in that confidence and I refuse to reject that for anyone now.

    I realize it's hard in the beginning-because of the insecurities. Shoot, I hid under hair pcs and wigs for a year...my point is it will and can come. And if you hang in there your mom may come to you(with her thinning crown from yrs of relaxers, like mine) and ask how you have thickness and curl and growth. Your day can and will come.

    Just know tht her reaction is a reaction to a fear that SHE has. Dont take on her stuff. Walk in your crown and your glory.
    By the way, congratulations

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    I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt . I am sure your hair is beautiful, and hopefully in time your mother will come to see that, but if she doesn't, there is plenty of support here at forum. Take care and chin up!

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    Sorry to hear that you had to experience this with your mom. Many parents, relatives and friends will have trouble understanding your decision. But as your hair grows out so will their attitudes. I am not sure if you had short hair prior to the cut, but maybe your mom was expressing how much she really loved seeing your hair long. Some people have trouble truly expressing what is inside of them, so they tend to say things in a way that they are hoping will be less offensive. And considering that you are her daughter, I am quite sure she all ready knows that you are not gay.

    Funny thing is that is the one of the reasons I never BCed, instead I opted to have my hair slowly cut off. In fact I had 1 inch removed every 6-8 weeks until the relaxed ends were gone. This helped both me, my family and friends have an easy transition. However, being teased because I decided to go natural was never an ordeal that I had to deal with. Because from the 1st day that my mom had the hairdresser slap a perm in my head, my whole family was up in arms. not because most, all, or majority of them are nautral but because they never felt that perming my hair was neccessary.

    Instead of becoming discouraged by your moms statement. Way don't you try to find ways to enlighten her. For instance bring her to this site. And show her all the beautiful styles that you hope to display once your hair has grown out more and more. Explain to her your decision for going natural. And yes, I am fully aware that this maybe difficult, but do you best to hold back both your hurt and anger. Give her the time she needs to process the information. Hopefully, she will become one of your biggest supporters and hopefully follow in your footsteps.

    And remember just because someone is older does not always mean that they are wiser.

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    Girl, if you're happy with your hair, then buck up!! My brothers ragged on me for 3 months and finally stopped after they realized I wasn't going back to the crack. I was called every derogatory name you can think of!!

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    ...

    *sigh* If I had a dime for every time someone made a similar remark or assumption about me, I'd buy 100 random members on this board a Subscription. <_<

    Darling, don't worry about it. You know who you are, you know what you are. You can try to school your mother, but realize that you can't school those who don't want to be schooled. Tell her how you feel, tell her how that remark made you feel, and tell her that you are tired of living the lye and want to embrace what you were BORN with. Don't let a remark like this set you back -- if folks let remarks like these set them back there wouldn't BE a hairtipsforme cause most of us have heard something negative during our journey.

    Good luck little sis, and check in with us as much as possible so that we can be your support system if no one else will.

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    Sounds like you passed your first step toward wearing natural hair in a world that vilifies it.

    You're still wearing it right? Shows you have the strength of character to do something for yourself and stick with it, even if it is not a popular stand. Kudos to you. Your mom should really be proud of you. I know I am.

    At 36, I too had to sit my family down and explain my step.

    They had a lot of misconceptions, like I did at one time. But putting the emotion aside and calmly explaining my decision and showing documented facts on why relxrs are dangerous, really stopped the arguments cold.

    Why not get your research together. Show her the history of relxrs. Show her the damage they can do. Read her some passages from the book Hairstory to show her the hatred behind our natural hair. She may even hear some of her own words in some of those passages.

    You made an adult decision. A lot of kinky haired women could not make that decision as a child to wear their own hair nappy. The mama either burned it straight or put the chemical on it without their permission. They thought they were doing something good for the baby.

    By wearing your hair naturally, your mom may feel like what you are telling her is that her decisions about your hair were wrong. You are. But just imagine that is a hard pill for her to swallow. However if you show your mom that chemical burns, baldness, thinning, irreversible damage occur from use and continued use of relxrs...that is a hard argument to refute.

    You passed with flying colors chica! Unfortunately, until natural kinky nappy hair is viewed as normal hair, it wont be the last disparaging comment you will hear. But you are a stronger young woman for having endured it and wearing your nappy hair proudly.

    Much love to you.

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    I'm sorry your Mom said something so hurtful...you will find that natural hair provokes really strong reactions from some people and they will come at you hard. You have to realize they are not really attacking you...they've been conditioned to regard natural hair with disgust and loathing, and it's threatening to them when we proudly wear our hair unprocessed. Try not to take it to heart - I'm sure you and your hair are beautiful.

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    Hey, sweetie (((HUGS)))

    First of all, you are a dear, courageous one and trust that this experience will make you even stronger. I am well into my 30s and just went back to natural a couple of years ago and my mom said some hurtful things....

    Please know that this will pass. Things will get better. And I commend you for taking ownership of your hair and the way you want to wear it.

    I also say to you to be mindful of your spirit/your attitude and keep the flow of blessings upon your life by remaining forgiving and respectful to your mom. As the saying goes: a soft answer turns away wrath. I know that as you're living in your mom's house, it may be a challenge to get away from the wrath, but you can control your behavior so do what you know to maintain peace. You may have to go outside and sit on the porch or take a walk or something...that's fine.... Keep the big picture in mind and maintain your peace and keep loving yourself and your beautiful hair! As it grows out, or whatever you decide to do with it, your confidence will shine through!

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    child my son father said the same thing to me and depending on how i wear my hair now he will still say i look butchy(his words)

    dont let other ppl issue bother you she is more worried about you being gay than you hair so you shouldn't worry just assure your not gay and go on about your business .

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    I wish I could really give you hug . Maybe one day when you find the time you can sit down with your mom and take her through this website. Let her read some of the comments, take her to the members gallery and albums and then explain to her why you went back to your natural roots. But also let her know that she hurt you but you still love and respect her and that you hope that she can respect your decision as well. This may help to ease her fear of nappy hair.

    Stay strong and blessed

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    I'm sorry about what she said. You took a really brave stand.

    This might sound bad in the light of what she said, but try not to be bitter with your mother. She's only rehearsing her personal education on our hair. Give her another education. Once she sees your hair for the natural beauty it is, she'll accept it. She may even try it herself. The only reason I went natural is because my mom did. One day she just stopped getting relaxers. A few months later, she had a short fro. I had a long, relaxed mane. Once I was playing around in her hair and the second I touched it, I knew I wanted to stop relaxing. It was so much more soft and supple than mine. I had to get one of those afros!!!

    After that, I started getting all the education I could on wearing natural hairstyles. Back then the message board to go to was called something else, although I can't remember the name of it this moment. Run by a very nice lady named danielle. She even came to visit me once! I got a lot of support from boards like this. Very little from others outside my family. But I was doing what I wanted to do for me. Come to find out years later, if I had not stopped relaxing when I did, I'd be half bald now! Another story...

    Anyway, I'm sure it will all work out. Hey, if she never accepts it, it's a decision you made for you and that is part of what growing up into a woman is all about anyway.

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    I am so sorry your Mom said something that hurtful to you. Your Mom sounds alot like mine, they say the most hurtful thing they can come up with to make you try and regret decisions you make. Just continue to take care our your hair naturally and hopefully she will come around. Stay strong and stay encouraged knowing that you have a multitude of us who believe in what you are doing.

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    wow. i'm sorry to hear this. but just try to stay encouraged. you can't please everybody, even your mother, all the time. just let her know how that made you feel and if you want to keep you hair short, keep it short. if not, she'll see that beautiful mane of yours start to grow in no time and she'll be wanting to do a big chop herself.

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    I'm sorry We all had to deal with our moms when we made the chop. Sometimes they come around and sometimes they don't. But don't let that stop you from enjoying and embracing your new hair. :P

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    Hi Sweetie! I agree with what everyone else has said so far. After I read your post I thought...would I have ever reacted this way to my daughter. There was a time in my life when I think I would have. This was a time when I was very insecure and immature. Now that I have been exposed to so much that life has to offer, my mentality has changed. Today, I would see it as her way of expressing who she was.

    I'm not going to judge your Mom for saying what she said. But everyone comes up with their views based on what they have experienced in life. Perhaps your Mom's perception comes from prejeduces she grew up with. If your Mom had little experience with strong, successful short haired sistahs who are doin' it...she might not change her way of thinking. Share some of the success stories of people who have shared their reasons for doing BC on this site with her. Show her some of the very beautiful pics of women who have BCd. Show her the other textured styles. Maybe she will be more supportive then.

    However you decide to respond to your Mom, just know that you will always get much support here

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    *BIG HUG* I know what your mom said was very hurtful, and girl this will mot be last hurtful thing that you will hear. Being natural means being strong and I can tell you are already on your way. When you need support these ladies here will be that support system for you. Keep your head up little lady, another *BIG HUG* for you.

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    (((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))

    I'm really sorry you're mom said that to you. I've recieved similar comments from my mom ("you look like a boy" ). I can't promise you that she will change her mind, but you have plenty of support here on Np.

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    So sorry that your mom hurt your feelings. I know my mom's said some hurtful things to me .. and over hair! It doesn't make sense & I know it hurts, but just know that you are not alone. I agree w/ whats been said here. I especially think that you should tell your mom about how she hurt you and that hair isn't enough of a reason for her to hurt you (or you to hurt her) and so forth.

    Enjoy your TWA. They grow out faster than you expect.

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    First of all, you look good rockin that twa!

    Second of all I'm sorry that this happened to you. Unfortunately (or fortunately) the longer nappy hair gets, the more accepted it becomes by all the nay-sayers. Maybe she'll come around when she sees how much more healthier and thicker AND longer your hair is than hers, or maybe not...but alteast YOU will know and that should make you satisified.

    I know that sometimes those comments stay with you all day and can make you upset, but remember forum is the best place to come from support when you can get any from anywhere else.

    fftop: Off topic: POOKEYLOU, i can just imagine you in a business suit with an easel and some charts and a laser pointer, givin your family a NAPPY PRESENTATION.
    ...talkin bout some documented facts...all you had to do was pull out a mirror place it front of a permie and holla EXHIBIT A!!!
    Why not get your research together. Show her the history...

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    Us parents don't always do or say the right thing. To me your mother sounds hurt and lashed out at you so that you would feel the hurt that she felt at that precise moment. Please forgive her. You are 17 and she is still the parent and you didn't discuss it with her. I know why you didn't but she doesn't. I wish that I had done what you have done at your age but my parents-no-family would have put me in rehab. I would have 17 years of new growth. Take as much as you can from your nap family and PROVE to your mother that you have made the right decision for you. This may be a sore topic for a long time to come. I don't know if you are a Christian but pray on it and ask God for guidance every day. When you begin to have fun with your hair show her and you never know...she just may come around.

    Love goes a Long Way

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    Your twa looks gorgeous to me! It fits your face perfectly so I can't see what your mom is ranting about. Maybe she's in shock over you cutting off all your hair, but to make a comment like that isn't necessary, and you shouldn't believe it for one second because you look great!

    Parents are the worse when it comes to accepting our choice to wear our natural hair. My father has been the most critical of my hair. He's said things to me that are downright ridiculous (i.e. "Are you still a Christian?" or "You look like one of those slaves..." etc) but that hasn't and won't stop me from wearing my natural hair! He's the only negativity I've received because other black folks have either gave me very positive feedback, or if they didn't like it, they sure haven't said anything to my face --- not that it would matter.

    Hold your head up. As long as you love it, then that's all that matters.

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    Enjoy your TWA. They grow out faster than you expect....

    I agree you should try to enjoy your new hairdo because it will grow really fast. I am so sorry your mother said that but in a way she was doing her job because she is preparing you for the responses of others. People feel a need to make all sorts of comments about your natural hair. They are very upset that you are exposing the family secret. Keep your head up and hopefully you will continue to get the support here that you need to stay natural.

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    I know my mom hates my hair and my older brother cringes every time he thinks about the long hair I had. Just the other day he picked up a photo of me that was taken about a year ago and said, "THIS is the nice, sweet sister I remember...I don't know who that is.." (while pointing at my fro). Your family will not always accept your decisions and I too apologize for your mother's crass remarks but you need to tell her how you feel and that your hair and sexuality do NOT go hand in hand. They never have and they never will.

    Anywho, I peeped your fotki and that TWA looks GOOD on you! You have the perfect little head and it looks oh so chic! Rock on with ya bad self!!

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    I definitely understand what you're going through. I'm 21 and hid my BC from my parents until I came home last week for summer break. I wouldn't say they were so much angry as in disappointed that I didn't tell them about it. I think you should give your mom time to steam then sit down and talk with her. It is your hair and it will grow. If you educate her on natural hair, it may help. Don't give up =)

    c.

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    Hey Nity :0) I'm sorry to hear about the negative response you got from your mother. She's still in that "perm"/"slave" mentality. That way of thinking that says that nappy hair is unacceptable and must be straightened or long to be "feminine," "beautiful" and acceptable. This is not true. I know that it hurts hearing that from your mother, but I'm sure that she loves you and just doesn't know how to react to the new you. With that said, know that she will get over it. And that her comments are more out of ignorance probably than her actually meaning to hurt you. Now would be a perfect time to educate her about your decision to go natural. Explain to her the harmful qualities of relaxers, the history of hair straightening and the wonders of being natural. Send her here :0) Tell her that this is the real, authentic you. The way you were born into this world x amount of years ago. The way God intended you to be. Tell her you're not afraid of the real you, and that you're happy being natural. Hopefully, she will come around.

    If not don't fret. But above all, be reassured and encouraged knowing that you have made the right decision. You are doing what is best for you and what makes you happy and healthy. Your hair will love you, and you will love yourself. I haven't seen your pics, but I'm sure that you look good girl. You will always have love and support here at forum. Take a look at other people's albums and do a search on TWA pics. Look at all of the beautiful black women who are getting back in touch with their natural selves and loving themselves. You will be ok. You will be comfortable with yourself, and you will love the way you look too. And when your mother sees how much of a happier, healthier, confident person you are, she will come around too.

    Don't buy into the hype. Don't listen to the stereotypes. Going natural, wearing a TWA doesn't have anything to do with your sexuality or your political preferences. It's just about being a healthy, happy, real you. HTH :0)

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    thank you all for the support.i appreciate the love!

    Brittanie

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    ...

    My mom was like this at first too, minus the gay comment. She just yelled, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HEAD?!?! WHY DID YOU CUT OFF ALL OF YOUR HAIR!?!?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!?!"

    It hurt really bad but when I went back to talk to her I found out she was just really shocked and didn't know what to say. She said that by going natural I was growing up on my own and she wasn't ready for me to take such a large step... I think that maybe by hiding it from her she wasn't prepared, (man, I wish I would have left my mom a note or called first) but you're past that now! Just try to explain why you did what you did and let her process everything!

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    As a member of this site my natural inclination is to applaud you for your decision to BC, offer you consolation over the hurtful comments your mom made when she saw you with all your hair gone, and to encourage you on your natural journey. I am always proud to meet nappy high schoolers and am in awe of their courage to defy convention and rock their own styles. Congrats.

    But let me see if I can put myself in your mom's shoes. Afterall, I am the mother of a 14 year old daughter (thankfully, she still wears her hear natural). As progressive as I like to think I am and as proud as I am of my daughter for wearing her hair natural, if I came home to find that she'd cut her long, thick nappy hair down to a TWA without consulting me, I'd probably be stunned, hurt, and even pissed. (And it's not because I'm emotionally tied to long hair) Neither is it because of any prejudice on my part against twa. Whacking off her hair without telling me would be a declaration on my daughter's part of her independence. "Ok, Miss Thang -- it's gonna be like that, huh?"

    I would have appreciated a heads-up on my teen age daughter's wish to change her appearance so drastically. (I'd like to think that I would respond differently to a 20something year old daughter making a similar move.) It's her hair, someone is saying, and you're right. A teenage girl ought to have the right (just like an adult woman) to do with her hair as she pleases, hmmm...perhaps. But as Pilate the protagonist in Toni Morrison's novel, Song of Solomon says when she discovers that some man has taken to beating her daughter, "Nothing hurts a mama like the day she discovers that someone doesn't like her child and is set upon hurting her child." Pilate says this as she has the man in a choke with a knife at his throat.

    You wanna feel that your child was properly prepared (and strong enough) to live with the consequences of her choice (no matter how unfair the consequence and no matter how righteous her choice).

    Cut your hair, baby. But Mama knows what you don't kow: Mama knows the moment she sees her teenage daughter defy convention she (Mama) may just have to be ready to roll up her sleeve and take a knife (metaphorically speaking, of course) to the throat to the first person that picks on her child for being different. It's a Mama thing. Love does that to a mother. We don't mean no harm, sugar.

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